


Can I Roll to Set My Dice on Fire?

by Dangerously_Demonic



Series: Finding a New Life [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Implied Relationships, Just Fuck Already, No Spoilers, Slice of Life, bitching like a married couple, rp stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 23:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14555502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangerously_Demonic/pseuds/Dangerously_Demonic
Summary: So two Asgardians and a ship AI play a homebrew DnD game DM'd by an Alien hybrid.Shenanigans happen.





	1. The Dice Hate Your Existence

**Author's Note:**

> What started out as a joke, ended up being something I've worked off and on during finals. I absolutely, positively did not make up the dice rolls. I used a random number generator and proceeded to laugh my ass off.
> 
> Also, I'm publicly shaming my friend FeralCreed for not posting to our RPs. As a fair warning, I will continue to torture you with angsty bullshit.

Truthfully, Clayton had no idea how he managed to get himself into this situation: explaining to two demi-gods on how to play a modified version of Dungeons and Dragons. It had been a bit of a case of trying to come up with something to defuse the brotherly snarking Thor and Loki had been doing before it devolved into something that might cause damage to his ship. But seriously. How the hell did he get dragged into this mess? Oh, right. Loki. If there was some higher being, they were a massive asshole because they saw fit to cause him to look scarily similar to one very mischievous Asgardian.

It had led to some awkward situations over the past few months.

He set the cardboard box on the table and began to unpack the contents. It was a very basic game board; he’d never sprung for anything fancy since it’d always been him and Xena. Speaking of…He glanced up at one of the cameras he’d installed on the ship. “Want to play, Xena?”

“Of course.” The AI’s voice was female, unaccented, and had a synthesized edge to it. Over the comm, she could easily be mistaken as a human, but she was far from it.

“Sounds good.”

While Thor examined a metal figurine and Loki peered through the rule book, Clayton got up to snag his tablet. Xena might have had complete control of the ship’s computer systems, but she couldn’t access other electronics unless she was connected to it. Once he connected the tablet, it sprung to life and began to open several apps all by itself. Finally, it settled on an editable character sheet and information started being filled out.

He walked back to the table and set the tablet down to represent Xena being at the table, then took a seat himself. Thor was still preoccupied with the figurines, but Loki seemed skeptical.

“This is a child’s game.” Loki finally declared and gestured at the dice with a healthy amount of disdain that Clayton had even suggested this.

“Not…Really? It’s mostly adults that play it. Some really get into it and end up building their own figurines and settings. There’s entire events that revolve around this.” Clayton replied while he set up the board and tried to come up with a quick and dirty story.

“What is the objective?” Thor asked after he placed the figurine he’d been examining with the others.

“That’s kind of hard to explain. It’s basically an interactive story. I come up with a story and you two have to work through it. The characters you make can die in battle, or stupidity if you get a bad dice roll.”

That seemed to be enough to garner a little of interest since Loki plucked up one of the figures and rolled it between his fingers. “So…It’s similar to writing a collaborative book?”

“It is a practice battle!” Thor announced, happily.

Clayton pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a soft, groaned sigh. Why had he suggested this? “I mean…You’re both not entirely wrong?”

“Then let us begin!” Thor was apparently really into the idea.

“Not so fast. There’s a few things we gotta cover first.” At this point, Clayton began a very dumbed down explanation of making a character sheet. He chose to forgo the idea of different abilities for the different classes that could be gained from leveling. Instead, he just gave each of them some basic abilities that he figured would be useful during the campaign. It was unlikely that this would become a recurring thing, especially the idea of having Thor around for games. So, he figured that a quick and easy game would be better.

From there, he explained the concept of the different character traits and what they did. Honestly, the two caught on a lot quicker than he’d expected. So, he let them both allot the given trait points for their characters…With a little bit of guidance and instruction on his part. Overall, things were going pretty well.

Thor had rolled up a lumbering mechanical construct warrior with a giant electrified sword, Loki went with a stealthy knife-based assassin, and Xena had her usual cyborg healer. Truth be told, it wasn’t a bad party set up. Tank, damage, and healer, respectively.

“Alright. The three of you are a ragtag group of mercs for hire who are at a bar enjoying some off time. Lately, the port has been having issues with pirates causing trouble. Thievery, making a mess of things, the usual bullshit. So, you three overhear the bartender talking about how the local leader is willing to pay a large sum of credits to anyone who deals with the group of pirates.” Clayton gestured for the three to make their moves.

Before anyone else could speak, Loki piped up, “I roll to seduce the bartender.”

Clayton automatically facepalmed and muttered out, “Oh my God, Loki, you should have rolled a fucking bard.”

“What are you talking about?” Loki stared at Clayton, obviously confused. Thor, meanwhile, had decided to help himself to the chips.

“…Nevermind. Just…” Clayton sighed again. “Roll to seduce the bartender…”

Loki made a smug smirk as he rolled the dice. However, the smirk fell away into a scowl when he got a five.

This time, it was Clayton’s turn to smirk, “While you try your hardest to flirt with the bartender, you remind him of an old ex he’d rather forget and he tells you to stop before he throws you out of the bar.”

“Ah, Loki, so your charms don’t work on everyone?” Thor grinned and earned himself a glare from Loki.

“Shut up.”

“Moving on. Thor, Xena. Your moves, if any?”

Thor only shook his head and went back to the chips. Xena, meanwhile, was silent a half second before speaking. “I approach the bartender and ask him for more information about the bounty on the pirates.”

“The bartender explains that the pirates arrive every few months in order to steal supplies and terrorize the population in general. So, the—”

“Why did I have to roll and she didn’t?” Loki spoke up and sounded irritated.

“Because her first action wasn’t to try and fuck the damn bartender. Anyway. So, the leader of the port is offering a hefty bounty to anyone who can get rid of the pirates. He doesn’t really care how it’s done, just that the pirates aren’t an issue anymore. He adds that the pirates are due to make a raid any day now.”

Clayton watched Thor and Loki consider this, knowing that Xena had likely already decided on what she’d do. That was the problem with the AI at times: she could make decisions faster than any human could ever hope to. Finally, Thor spoke.

“We should look around the port to find their base.”

“I am surprised you don’t want to bash all the houses in looking for them.” Loki snarked and reached forward to grab some chips for himself.

“That would destroy the port and the pirates would escape in the chaos.”

Xena made a noise that could pass for a sound of agreement. “Thor is correct. If we find their base of operations, it wouldn’t be hard for Loki to break in, set traps, and us ambush the pirates when they arrive.”

The two Asgardians agreed with Xena’s plan and nodded at Clayton to continue. At least things were going along with the loose storyline he’d thought up.

“After discussing amongst yourselves, you decide to scout out the port to try and figure out the pirate base. In your exploration of the city, you stumble across two thieves who have clearly just robbed someone’s home. What do you do?” As Clayton spoke, he set two plastic humanoid figures in front of the three metal figures.

“I demand they stop.” Thor replied and hesitated as he reached for his dice, unsure if he was supposed to roll or not. At Clayton’s nod, he grabbed the dice and rolled it onto the table, then peered at the number curiously. 12.

“The two thieves pause, completely caught off guard that other people were on the streets this late at night. However, it’s clear that they plan to run.”

“Since I’m an assassin, you mentioned I can stealth myself, correct?” Loki glanced down at his character sheet and then back to the game area. The glint in his eyes said he had schemed something up.

“Right. You can cloak, short distance teleport, and make a shadow clone of yourself or others.”

“I stealth, teleport behind one of the thieves, and stab him in the back.” Loki grinned.

“Roll for each of them.”

Loki still grinned and rolled an 18, a 17, and then a 20.

“…Nuh-uh. Roll the dice. Don’t do your trickery bullshit.”

“I did.” Loki gestured at the 20 on the table. “The man dies.”

“Did you forget about me being telepathic, you chucklefuck? You palmed the dice and illusioned the dice roll.”

“Get the fuck out of my head.” Loki hissed and made a fist around the dice in his hand.

“Then don’t try to cheat. ‘Cause I won’t hesitate to make the game a pain in the ass for you.”

Loki glared at Clayton a moment longer before rolling the dice three times in a row. This netted him a 16, an eight, and a one. Clayton had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

“Your stealth is nearly flawless, the thieves can barely see your outline in the darkness. Your teleport is a bit less successful and you end up teleporting a short distance away from the thief, but your successful stealthing aids you when you sneak up on him. However, rather than stabbing the thief, you gently itch his back with your knife. He is left confused and vaguely questioning his sexuality.”

“Luck is not with you tonight, eh Brother?” Thor was greatly amused by the sheer exasperation on Loki’s face. He reached forward and picked up his own dice, “I swing my sword at the thief’s head to decapitate him.” Without being prompted by Clayton, he rolled his dice. Five. A great deal lower than he’d hoped, judging by the look on his face.

“Graceful, you are not. Rather than decapitating him, you flail around with your sword, throw yourself off balance, and face plant onto the street. However, in his attempts to jump away from your insane flailing, he ends up stabbing himself on Loki’s knife. However, he also steps on Loki’s foot in the process.” Clayton rolled his own dice to see how much damage the thief had taken and wound up with a 15. So, he added, “Additionally, because his luck was off on a bender, Loki’s knife hits him in the lung, meaning he’ll likely bleed out shortly.”

The two Asgardians both stared at him for a long moment. Finally, Thor started laughing at the sheer absurdity and Loki looked away to hide an amused smirk.

“Have anything to add, Xena? You’ve been pretty quiet.” Clayton glanced over at one of the cameras.

“No, I’m predominantly acting as support to keep these two from getting their characters killed with the first boss fight.”

“Fair enough. At this rate, they’ll need it.” Clayton pulled his bottle of beer closer to himself and mused over his next action for a moment. “With his partner in crime critically injured, the second thief drops his loot and makes a run for it. The first one isn’t much of a threat since he’s currently choking on his own blood.”

“I roll to stun him with my blaster pistol.” Xena commented, suddenly. Since she didn’t have a physical body, Clayton picked up the dice next to the tablet and rolled them. 18.

“The shot from the pistol hits him square in the back and he takes a pretty serious tumble. He’s not dead, but he’s pretty out of it. The first thief coughs up blood and dies. Congrats, you chucklefucks managed to survive your first encounter. Add five experience to your character sheets. The thieves are both unarmed, but they have some credits and some random items that can be sold for money at a later time.”

“I drag both thieves off of the street and into an alley.” Thor moved to pick up his dice, but stopped when Clayton just shook his head.

“Once you get the second thief into the alley, he starts waking up.”

“I ask him if he knows anything about the pirates while threatening him with my knife.” Loki almost seemed to hold his breath as he rolled his dice. For a brief second was a hint of a smile when he rolled a 17.

“Remembering your earlier antics, the thief has no desire to try and bullshit. He quickly spews everything he knows. As it turns out, all the local thieving groups are in a partnership with the pirates. They turn over a portion of what they loot in exchange for protection from the local authorities. One of the pirates is a shapeshifter and has taken over the job of the head constable of the port. There, he helps to coordinate the attacks made by the pirates. He isn’t able to tell you where the base is, but instead tells you where the Constable lives.”

“That’s…I approve of that, actually.” Loki remarked with a slight eyebrow raise.

“Of course you would. You did that when you pretended to be Father.” Thor commented with a hint of irritation in his voice.

“And I had fun doing so.”

“Moving swiftly on! Thor, Xena, any moves?”

“I’m good.” Xena commented. Clayton glanced towards the front of the ship where the controls were and saw the screens rapidly flashing.

“What are you doing?”

“Organizing my files for better retrieval and better compression.”

“…Right. Thor?”

“I knock the thief out with my fist.” Six.

“Rather than knocking him out, you only break his nose and stun him for a second time.”

“I slit his throat.” Loki’s turn. Five.

“You give him a very close shave, instead.” Clayton just sighed and took a very healthy sip of his beer. This might end up taking a while if these two kept making such bad rolls. “By this point, you two have thoroughly traumatized the thief and he’s begging for his life.”

“I fucking shank a bitch!” 19.

The sheer amount of venom in Loki’s voice caused Clayton to turn his head and spit his beer out onto the floor so that he could laugh without choking. “Furious at his blatant weakness, you stab him repeatedly in the side and he quickly bleeds to death.”

“Finally putting your combat skills to work, Loki?”

“Shut the fuck up, Thor.”

Even with the constant fail rolls, this had turned out to be absolutely hilarious. “Ah, alright. Loki, you’re getting an extra experience point because that was just fucking gold.”

“If you two are done…I suggest we investigate the Constable’s home for clues.” Despite not having much in the way of an emotional range for her voice, Xena still somehow managed to sound bored.

“I agree. If we are lucky, he will be at the home and we can get information from him.”  Thor, once more, dug into the chips while Clayton adjusted the board.

“Having gained all the information you could, the three of you make your way through the sleepy port to where the Constable’s house is. It’s a small house in a quiet part of the city. There isn’t much in the way of security and would be easy to break into. The lights are on which suggests that the owner is home.”

“We should bust down the door and catch him by surprise.” Was Thor’s enthusiastic idea.

“Use your brain for once. That would just alert him to our presence. We should sneak in. It gives him less of a chance of destroying information we might need.”

“I agree with Loki…For once.” Xena mused before she added, “Breaking down the door might cause him to run if he’s near an exit.”

“Stop being petulant. You agree with me on many things. Mostly concerning people who should die.”

“Hm. True. I do enjoy shooting people…” The AI’s voice almost seemed to purr.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised that you two would agree on that.” Clayton shook his head and sighed. Of course the stab happy demi-god and the AI who liked blowing other ships up would agree on their mutual love of killing things.

Thor seemed equally unimpressed with the current topic at hand, but conceded to Xena’s point. “Yes, you’re correct. The pirate in hiding might have a ship schedule, or something similar. Loki, this may be something you should handle since you’re able to teleport.”

“I teleport into the house.” 18.

“You teleport into the house without issue and without teleporting yourself _into_ anything. From the kitchen, you can hear the sound of someone cooking.”

“I sneak into the kitchen and put the person into a choke hold.” 18 and a seven.

“Stealthily, you slip into the kitchen. The man is too preoccupied with making dinner to notice you. However, when you move to put him into a choke hold, he looks up, notices your shadow, and is able to grab your arm. He grabs the knife he’s been using to cook with and blindly stabs backwards at you. Roll to defend.”

By the look of concentration of Loki’s face, Clayton had started to guess that the Asgardian was actually getting into the game. Honestly, this made him pretty happy that everyone seemed to enjoy it. Much like the others, he peered at Loki’s dice to see what the number was. Eighteen, again. As far as he could tell, Loki wasn’t influencing things, either.

“Since his move was obvious, you’re able to grab his wrist and prevent yourself from being stabbed.”

“I break his arm.” One.

So much for the thought of Loki influencing things. An honest to god look of horror formed on Loki’s face, “…Fuck.”

Thor just facepalmed and sighed.

“You attempt to break his arm, but because of his positioning, he overpowers you and pulls his arm out of your hand. In doing so, he slices your hand open with his knife. He turns around and swipes at your face with the knife. Roll to defend.”

20.

“Hot damn. Not only are you able to avoid his swipe, you block it and you’re also able to disarm him.”

“I punch him to try and knock him out.” Eight.

“No such luck. You do break his nose, though. He angrily yells loudly enough to be heard outside of the house and tries to headbutt you. Roll for defense.”

17.

“Well, he’s having about as much luck as you are when it comes to hurting you. You step out of his way.”

Thor interjected, “Xena and I were able to hear the man’s yelling, right?”

Clayton gave him a nod.

“I kick the door in!” Nine.

“It takes you a few kicks to get the door open, because it’s a very sturdy metal door that only appears to be wood.”

Loki stared at the game board and rolled his dice over his fingers as he planned his next move. “I pick up a frying pan and smack him in the head with it.” Two.

Before Clayton could speak, Loki made a frustrated noise and spat out something in another language. He could only guess it was something very rude judging from how sharply Thor had said Loki’s name.

“…Right…Not gonna ask. Anyway. Unfortunately for you, the frying pan you pick up is hot and you burn your hand. However, the noise of Thor breaking the front door down distracts the pirate which allows you to make another move.”

“I head butt him in the face.” 17.

“Fueled by your recent injuries and hatred of the soup he’s cooking, you summon your strength and slam your head into his face. Not only does it completely destroy his already broken nose, it knocks him out. Uhh…Five experience points to Loki. Two to Thor and...I guess one to Xena even though you really didn’t do anything besides keeping these chucklefucks on the right path.”

“With him unconscious, I tie him up.” Loki took a sip of his drink before he rolled his dice. 13.

“Your injuries give you some trouble, but you still manage to get him tied up. They’re not the best, but he’ll have to struggle to get out of the rope.”

“I heal Loki’s injuries…I’m done organizing my files, by the way.” Xena’s tablet suddenly brightened back up as she updated her character sheet. Clayton leaned over and rolled her dice. 18.

“Your healing is highly successful. Loki’s burned hand is completely healed and the hand that was sliced open is left with only a faint scar.”

“I think we should look for any useful information. Thor, can you stand guard over the pirate?”

“Yes, I can do that.”

“I’ll help you look, Xena.” Loki picked up his dice to roll them, but tilted his head when Clayton shook his head.

“Nah. Don’t worry about it. I really only want dice rolls during combat, or if I’m feeling dickish. Some game runners like doing dice for every little thing, but I kinda feel that’s tedious. I’m mostly just wanting to teach you two the ropes…And honestly, I think you both are doing pretty well. Anyway…” Clayton rolled his own dice to see who’d find the datapad.

“Xena. You find a datapad that’s owned by the pirate. It’s encrypted. You can break into it to see what information is on it, but if you fail to break into it, the device will be wiped.” Xena was silent, and Clayton figured she was running calculations.

“I attempt to interface with it using my cybernetics and break the encryption.” 16.

“The encryption was very basic and you were able to crack the device with a little effort on your part. It lists correspondence between the pirate and the rest of his crew, including the next scheduled raid which is in two days. However, it doesn’t list where the base is. It is likely that the pirate knows…Speaking of, he’s starting to wake up.”

Thor grinned, “I intimidate him into telling us where the base is.” His grin faded a bit at the five he rolled.

“You attempt to intimidate him and list the horrible things you’ll do to him if he doesn’t talk, but he just laughs at you and states that he’s done worse things to people. Also, he calls your sword dumb.”

Loki snorted loudly, “Since Xena has found and broken into the datapad, I return to the kitchen to help with the interrogation. I grab the pirate’s nose and twist it.” One. He made a noise of frustration and slammed his hands on the table.

“Your arm suddenly spasms and you gently caress his cheek. Instead of being intimidated, he’s honestly just kind of weirded out.”

“I threaten to shoot him in the balls if he doesn’t talk, because I’m honestly tired of this bullshit.” Ten.

For the second time that night, Clayton almost choked on his drink. This time, it was from Xena. Once he had finished laughing, “The pirate gives you a concerned look, but he doesn’t quite believe you.”

“I shoot him in the balls.” One.

“ _Mother **fuck**_.”

Make that three times. “I should stop drinking when ya’ll roll, ‘cause I’ll end up dying. I swear to god. Rather than shooting him in the balls, you shoot the floor. The blast bounces off and hits Thor in the chest where it leaves a small dent.”

“I punch him in the stomach.” Two.

“Instead of punching him, Thor, you merely tickle him. He’s starting to think the three of you are just insane.”

“I punch him in the jaw.” One. Loki just made an exasperated noise.

Clayton, meanwhile, folded his arms onto the table, put his forehead on his arms, and just laughed. His tail thumped against the floor a few times and he finally sat back up with a sighing laugh. “Jeeesuuuus Chrrrrrist. Aight…” He paused to think a moment. “Seeing you rear you arm back, he jerks himself to the side, causing you to miss and punch the wall, instead.”

“Your Georgia is showing, Clayton.” Loki remarked.

“...What?”

“Accent.”

Clayton couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He was sure some of his southern accent was coming out with his drinking, but he hadn’t thought it was that bad. “Well, bless your heart.” The phrase was said with all the polite passive-aggressiveness that anyone from the South had mastered by the time they were ten.

“…I feel I was insulted, but I’m not sure…” Loki side eyed the other man for a moment, trying to suss out if Clayton was insulting him or not. From what he knew of him? The answer was likely ‘yes’.

“Make a fuckin’ move.”

“Asshole.”

“Never said I wasn’t.”

Thor glanced between the two as they snarked at each other, “Is this normal, Xena?”

“Extremely.” Xena made a noise that was supposed to indicate exasperation. “I roll to stab one of Loki’s knives into the pirate’s leg and demand where the pirate’s base is.” 13.

“You _stole_ one of my knives!”

“…You weren’t using it?”

Clayton could only laugh at Loki’s sheer indignation. “While the damage isn’t too severe, the pirate still yells in pain and then finally starts tell you what he knows. He’s decided that the three of you are insane and he just wants to be left alone. The hideout is in the northern part of the port, disguised as a factory. It allows them to easily move around supplies that they get from the local thieves. He gives you the exact location and then he begs for you to let him go.”

“If we were to let him go, he would likely run off to warn the rest of the pirates.” Thor looked up at Loki who gave a nod and a slight grin.

“Agreed. We kill him.” Naturally, Xena would leap to the idea of killing the pirate, first.

Clayton pinched the bridge of his nose. “Whoever rolls the highest has the chance to kill him, but they have to roll again for the killing blow.”

He rolled Xena’s dice and got a four. Thor received a nine, and Loki earned himself a 20.

“I slit his throat.” Three.

“Fuck it. I’m tired of these low rolls.” Clayton spat, feeling exasperated. “You slit his throat and nearly take his head off in doing so.”

Slightly started at Clayton’s outburst, Loki stared at the man for a moment before looking away and trying to hide a snorting fit. “So…I take it he’s dead?”

“No, he’s just soundly asleep.” The statement dripped with sarcasm.

“Well, fuck. Should I roll to wake him up?”

“He’s dead, you smartass.”

“Of course I am. I also have a nice ass which yo—”

“MOVING ON!”

Thor just looked between the two, having decided from the earlier snark fit that it’d be wiser not to get involved. Instead, he just busied himself with finishing his update of his character sheet from earlier.

“If you two are done bitching at each other, can we continue with the game?” Leave it to Xena to drag things back to where they needed to be.

Clayton give Loki a final glare before speaking again, “The pirate shapeshifter is dead, you have the location of the base, and you have the next scheduled raid. What do you do?”

“We should infiltrate the base. See what trouble we can cause.” Loki slowly rolled his dice over the tops of his fingers and glanced at Thor who gave a nod of agreement.

“Perhaps we could also sabotage and communications systems? Better yet, bug it so we can listen in on them?” Xena suggested as she brought up a game on the tablet. Both Loki and Thor gave a nod to show their approval of this idea, then looked to Clayton to continue the story.

“Quickly, the three of you leave the house so that all the noise that you made doesn’t attract unwanted attention and start heading to the north part of the port where things are a lot more industrial. It doesn’t take very long to find the factory that the pirate told you about. From the looks of things, it’s shut down for the night and there isn’t a lot of security.”

“Is the door locked?”

“...Eh…Yes it is, Xena.”

“Is there some sort of keypad that I could use to interface with?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty basic.”

“I use my cybernetics to hack into it.” Six.

Clayton could only sigh. “Fuckin’ hell. Because the system is so old, you have minimal luck and it abruptly locks you out.”

“I’m tired of all this sneaking around.” Thor set his empty chip bowl down. “I bash the keypad with the pommel of my sword.” 18.

Clayton yawned before he continued. “The keypad sparks from your attack and by sheer dumb luck, the door unlocks and opens. The inside of the factory is more of a warehouse. Some of the boxes are dusty, but there’s areas with less dust which suggests that there’s been activity recently.”

“Tired?” Thor asked.

“A bit, yeah.”

“We could continue this in the morning, if the others are in agreement.” The AI suggested, which prompted noises of agreement from the two Asgardians.

“Alright. Sounds good. Just leave your sheets on the table, then. It’ll give me a chance to figure out how I want to do the boss fight.” Clayton pushed himself up to his feet and began to clean up his trash.

“Excellent! I have enjoyed this game so far.” Standing, Thor offered Clayton his own trash, then gave his brother a slight nod. “I shall return in the morning. I’m eager to see how this story ends.”


	2. Round 2: Boss Fight

After bitching at Loki for leaving the shower set to the coldest setting and not cleaning the shower drain, Clayton was in a slightly foul mood. Well. If that was added onto the fact that he hadn’t slept well, perhaps ‘slightly’ was an understatement. So, while he waited for Thor to arrive, he browsed through an online edition of a monster guidebook in order to get ideas for the final boss fight. It gave him something to focus on rather than current irritations.

He had an idea about the main baddy, but what was a boss fight without some cannon fodder minions? Maybe the right-hand man and a minion pet? The sound of Thor’s voice caused him to look up and murmur a greeting before he looked down at the notepad he had to scrawl out some notes. Thanks to the stiffness of the skin that covered his hands and forearms, his handwriting was almost illegible to anyone but him.

“Careful, Clayton’s moody.” The dark haired Asgardian swanned past to try and pluck the pen out of Clayton’s hand. Instead, Loki stumbled as he had to suddenly avoid a tail being swung at his feet.

“Ha! I’m getting wise to you—” Loki’s taunt was interrupted with a bit of a screech when the musty washrag from the sink suddenly flung itself into his face and began making suspiciously sexual movements.

“Yet you’re being face fucked by a washcloth.” Clayton didn’t bother to look up and instead closed the notepad after making a final note.

By this point, Loki and managed to pry the washcloth off of his face and looked thoroughly disgusted, “While I like a great many things in my mouth, _that_ is not one of them.”

“…Color me surprised. It’s just that you try to put everything in your mouth every time we land at a city, so…Well, I kinda just assumed, y’know? Can’t fault a guy for making assumptions based on past behavior, Loki.”

Thor glanced between the two and just took a seat at the table where he had been the prior night. He really had no desire to get involved in this, and truthfully, it was funnier to watch. Plus, it helped to clue him in on what his brother had been up to in the months that had passed.

“I might whore around the galaxy, but I have standards.”

Clayton propped his chin up on his hand and had a blatant ‘I don’t believe you’ look, “…Neigh.”

This earned him a venomous glare from Loki, “That was one time. I’m…Adventurous.”

“Yeah, and that apparently resulted in you getting kno—”

“Will you two _shut up_.”

“Good morning, Xena! I trust you had a good…Er…Night? I apologize, I don’t know much about beings such as yourself.” Thor greeted, happy to have the AI interrupt what was very clearly the continuation of something that happened before he arrived. The two vehemently denied anything between them, but it was blatantly obvious that there was _something_.

“I don’t sleep, if that’s what you’re asking. I enter a standby state if I’m not assigned any tasks or if I haven’t found anything to occupy my time. However, I spent last night following several potential leads for upcoming bounty hunts. It’s too early to tell if they’ll pan out, however. Clayton, tablet?”

“Hm? Oh. Sorry.” Clayton plucked up the tablet to set it up for Xena and blatantly ignored a somewhat sulking Loki. Once he was done, he set it back on the table. “Ok, so…Do I need to do a recap?”

After getting three negative statements, he gave a nod and pulled his notepad behind the cardboard screen he had up. “Alrighty. So, like I said last night. The building is pretty dusty and there’s evidence of supplies being moved. In the back, there’s what appears to be a control room.”

“…Can I roll to stab the DM?”

“Only if I get to stab you first with my tail. Besides, you attempted that when we first met and…Well, that didn’t go too well.” Clayton glanced up at Loki with raised eyebrows and then swished his tail behind him, threateningly.

“Will you two either grow up or just fuck already? This shit is getting old.” Xena snapped abruptly, her voice having an uncharacteristic anger to it.

Clayton ducked behind the cardboard screen instead of replying and Loki had frozen mid tea sip at being called out. Thor just rubbed his forehead and sighed. He really didn’t want to be in the middle of this. Xena wasn’t done, however.

“Loki, you damn well know better than to antagonize him. I realize this is a hard feat, but for the sake of me not jettisoning you into space the next chance I get, please try. Clayton, drink your damn coffee. You’re bitchy. Thor, I apologize for these two acting like children. Now…Can we please play the **fucking game**?”

After the thorough dressing down from the AI, no one was in a hurry to speak…Especially with the threats of death being thrown around. Finally, Clayton made a vague gesture. “…There’s a computer system in the control room?”

“I roll to interface with it.” Seven.

“Unlike the keypad, the computer has some pretty hefty defenses.”

“I attempt a bypass.” 20.

“The defenses crumble quickly due to the fact that the pirates don’t regularly patch their systems. Because of this, their entire database is open to you. It includes much more recent shipping manifests, cargo details, but the interesting nugget of information is that the big pirate boss is going to be swinging by to check out the operation in two days.”

“Is there a time listed on expected arrival time?” Loki asked while he illusioned up several copies of his dice and seriously considered antagonizing Clayton further. Thor just gave his brother a very slight head shake.

“10am.”

Loki looked down at his character sheet for a moment and eyeballed the skills. “My cloaking…Can I also cloak others?”

Already, Clayton knew where Loki was going and he liked it. “Once a day, assuming you don’t bungle the roll.”

“Alright. How about we arrive back to the factory about an hour or two before the boss is due to arrive, I cloak us, which should give us initiative to attack when he arrives.” Loki sat back in his chair, looking very pleased with himself.

Clayton couldn’t help but to stare at him for a moment, “Where’d you learn about that?”

“I did research before bed.”

“…Of course you did. Well, you wouldn’t be wrong.” He hadn’t expected Loki to do research, but it didn’t change much about his boss plans. With how things had been going with the game so far, Loki was likely to make a poor roll when he was stealthing.

“I think it’s a solid plan.”

“I agree, Thor. Since we’re all in agreement, time skip?” While Xena lacked a physical body, the tone of her voice still gave everyone the sensation that she was looking towards Clayton.

“Sure. Having learned all you could from the computer, the three of you return to where you’ve been staying in order to rest and formulate your plan of attack. When the day of the pirate raid arrives, you return to the factory an hour early in order to set up your trap. Loki, roll to stealth the group.”

Loki did a quick flick of his hand to banish the illusioned dice he had been ‘rolling’ over his fingers and caught the real one before it landed on the table. He seemed to hesitate a moment before he tossed the dice onto the table and exhaled in relief when the dice stopped on 18. Thor seemed to share his relief.

“Maybe your dice like you better today. With a little effort, you manage to stealth the entire group, but it only works as long as they’re standing next to you. Still, it’s very effective and when the pirates arrive, no one sees you. The pirate boss is a gruff looking man with a cybernetic leg and a cane; he appears to be unarmed. He’s flanked by a muscular woman wielding, of all things, a mini plasma cannon. At his hip is a viscous looking reptilian dog creature.”

“Are you trying to kill us.”

“It _is_ a boss fight, Loki…So…Yes. Yes I am.” Clayton shot the other man a shit eating grin. “You seriously thought I’d be nice and go easy on you?”

Loki scowled and grabbed his dice. “I throw one of my knives at the woman and the other at the boss.” Four and 14.

“Your knife completely misses the woman and clatters off behind her, although it does minorly cut her arm. She begins to spin up her mini-cannon. When Thor and Xena are done with their turns, she’ll fire. Your second knife hits the boss in the shoulder. He’s injured, but it’s not fatal and he can still fight.”

Thor stared at his character sheet, his brows furrowed in thought. “Thunderous Roar. What does that do, exactly?”

“Encourages your team and if you roll high enough it can stun your enemy by a turn. Meaning, if you use it and it’s successful, Loki will get another chance to attack before they do.”

Thor gave a wide grin. “I use Thunderous Roar.” 15.

“Your teammates are encouraged by your war cry and the three pirates are startled. The female pirate momentarily lets go of the trigger of her weapon which delays it from shooting since it spins down a bit.”

“I set my blaster to ‘kill’ and shoot the female pirate in the head.” 17.

“Goddamn. Your dice stopped acting up, Xena. Nice. She doesn’t see the shot coming and it hits her straight in the forehead, killing her. This leaves the pirate boss and his dog critter. Loki, you get another move since Thor used Thunderous Roar.”

“I create shadow clones of all of us.” 13.

“The clones aren’t perfect, but between the roar and losing his right-hand woman, the pirate boss is a bit spooked and has trouble knowing which is real and which are the clones. However, his critter can tell the difference due to its keen sense of smell. ” Clayton rolled his dice to see who’d go first. Doggy.

“Because of this, the hound attacks first. Xena, it runs towards you and attempts to bite your shooting arm. Roll to defend” Eight.

“May I also roll to attack and just use my turn?”

Clayton considered this for a moment and then nodded before he rolled Xena’s defense. Eight.

“Rather that biting down on your arm, it chomps down on your blaster.”

“I pull the trigger to shoot it.” Five.

“The pressure of the hound’s jaws prevents your weapon from firing. Loki, the pirate boss unsheathes his cane sword and walks towards you and swings it at you.” One.

Clayton frowned at his own roll, “Actually…Nevermind that. I got a one. He ends up attacking your shadow clone.”

“Does he still have my knife in his shoulder?”

“Yes. He’s wearing light armor, so it got stuck and he hasn’t pulled it out yet.”

Loki was silent as he mused over this information. “…Would I be able to teleport to him, pull my knife out, and attempt to slit his throat?”

“…Yes, but you’ll have to roll three times, _but_! If you roll under a ten on your teleport it cancels your other two actions.”

“…Dice seem to like me today, so I’ll do it.” Three. At this point, Loki spat out a short string of words in an unknown language.

“Brother, it’s unkind to insult the dice’s mother like that.”

“I don’t give a fuck, Thor.” Loki glared at his dice, as if willing them to spontaneously combust. “…Can I roll to set my dice on fire?”

Clayton snorted loudly and was thankful he hadn’t gotten a drink of his coffee. “You can’t set them on fire, but sure. Go for it.”

Loki received another three and made an indignant noise.

Thor just shook his head. “I swing my sword to cleave the hound in half.” 14.

“While you don’t cleave it in half, you do manage to get partway through. Your sword is now stuck for the moment...Roll again to see if your attack caused the hound to release Xena’s pistol.”

Thor rolled again and got a five.

Clayton shook his head, “Still stuck, then. The pirate boss approaches Loki and swings his sword at him.” 17. This made Clayton wince and sigh. “Ok, Loki. You need to roll to defend. You need to get equal to or higher than 17 to be successful.”

Loki groaned, “Aw, fuck me. I already know it won’t happen.” With a sour look, he rolled his dice and stared at the nine.

“…Ouch. Hang on.” Clayton frowned and did some dice rolls himself in order to figure out where Loki was getting hit. He stared at the 20 and let out a low exhale. “…Hooo…”

“What. What did you roll?” Loki tried to peer around the cardboard screen, but got pulled back by Thor.

“Twenty.”

Loki made a soft noise of horror and stared at Clayton wide eyed.

“The pirate boss, furious at the death of his right-hand woman and his dying hound, swings his sword down at your neck. While you’re not decapitated, you’re grievously wounded. In order to give your character one round of survival before bleeding out and dying, you must roll above 15.”

For a moment, Loki had the appearance of someone who was about ready to flip the table. However, he snatched up his dice and rolled. Luckily for all parties involved, he rolled an 18. The game had suddenly gotten very serious.

“Since the hound still has a hold of my pistol, can I roll to drop the pistol and then roll to heal Loki?”

“Yes, Xena. You need to roll a 20 to fully heal him, above a ten to stop him from bleeding out, below that you just delay him dying for a round, but if you roll a one you don’t heal him.”

“Then do so.” Three and 15.

Loki sighed in relief and rubbed his face.

“In its dying breath, the beast collapses, dragging you own with it and pinning your hand in its jaws. However, you’re able to still use your magic to heal Loki. While still severely injured, he’s not going to bleed out. Thor?”

“I throw my sword at the pirate boss.” Five.

“You couldn’t have charged him? I’m certain if you had a character sheet you could have put all of your stat points into strength and not intelligence!” Loki snarked. Thor just shook his head.

“He easily ducks the sword lobbed at him. Since you’re no longer armed, he’s not very concerned with you. Instead, he stabs his sword down at Loki’s chest.” Seven.

Loki rolled to defend and got a nine. “I kick his leg to knock him over.” 16.

“Before he’s able to attack, you summon your strength and kick out. He isn’t expecting this and topples over, losing his sword in the process.”

“I try to get myself free from the fucking hound.” 14.

“After a great deal of effort, you’re finally able to extract your hand and pistol from the mouth of the dead hound. During this, the pirate gets to his feet.”

“…I pick up Xena and throw her at the pirate boss.”

Loki sharply turned his head to look at Thor, “Did you just fucking use Get Help in a game?”

“Well, it always works for us, does it not?”

Clayton slowly looked between the two, “Explain what ‘Get Help’ is.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

Thor grinned, “It’s a tactic that—”

“ _Tactic_?! It’s demeaning!”

He ignored Loki’s interjection and continued, “That Loki and I have used when outnumbered. We pretend he’s injured and when the enemy is least expecting it, I pick him up and throw him at them! It works every time!”

Loki glared at Thor and was visibly willing the man to die right there on the spot.

“…You’re shitting me, right? Loki, is that seriously a thing?”

“…Unfortunately.”

Clayton cackled. “Fuck it. I’m straight up allowing that. That’s fucking hilarious. Thor, you pick up Xena with ease and fling her at the pirate boss who just gives you a ‘what the fuck’ look because what you’re doing is absolutely insane. Xena, rolling to see if you knock him down.” 19.

“Indeed you do. Your move.”

“I shoot him in the face.” 15.

“Still shocked at having someone thrown at him, you’re easily able to shoot him in the head and thus ending the pirate threat.”

“I also heal Loki.” 19.

“Lucky for Loki, you’re able to heal his injury. He’s still weak from blood loss, but he’s not going to die. After gathering your weapons, you haul the dead pirate boss to the leader of the port and earn your reward money. Everyone gets enough experience to level up. Congrats, you three survived the story and didn’t do too horribly.”

Thor gave a wide grin, “I enjoyed that. Perhaps we will be able to play again the next time we meet. Maybe the dice rolls will be more favorable. Ah…Clayton? What should I do with my character sheet?”

“Just give it here. I’ll put it in the box incase we play again.” He reached over and picked up Thor’s character sheet once the man had finished updating it. After a moment, he took Loki’s sheet once the same had been done to it.

Thor bade them farewell and left, leaving the two at the table while Clayton finished putting things up.

“Think he suspects?” Clayton asked, finally, once he knew Thor was off the ship.

“I don’t know. Maybe? Xena didn’t help any.”

“He didn’t say anything about it. Maybe he’s oblivious.”

Loki shook his head, “He might act it at times, but he’s not dumb. He likely does suspect, but doesn’t see a need to say anything, or doesn’t think he has enough proof since he’s aware of Xena’s personality.”

“You two will have to come clean about things, at some point.”

Clayton rolled his eyes, knowing the AI could see it. “At some point, but not now…Go finish finding me a bounty to take.”

“You think too little of me. I already did. There’s one in the Orious system involving…”


End file.
